I Can't Believe I am Still Here (Today)

Everyday I seem to run into this thought. Or, more so, this thought seems to run right into me. I can do everything in my power to try and let it go and focus on something else, but this is the one thing in my life that has more of an obsessive nature to it. Kind of like I’m being consumed by the fact that I’m pretty sure that I’m dying. 

I have many instances to pull from and tell you about today, but I’m going to pick a more recent event because it’s the most fresh and up to date. Actually, this happened yesterday. Just a few days ago I went to the doctor which is already tough for me because I am scared of what they might tell me (That being: I’m dying, I’m in need of getting my blood drawn for further analysis to help dictate that I am dying, and or I am already dead). Okay okay… that last part was a joke, but I’m serious! This is scary! Anyways, so I end up having to take some antibiotics and I am currently in the middle of the week long treatment and yesterday I coincidently had a headache. Now I understand that in writing and to you it might just seem like these are two completely separate things. But in my mind, I have this special ability to assume that nothing is a coincidence. I was convinced yesterday that I was having some kind of allergic reaction to the medication and it was only a matter of time that I would fall unconscious and have to be rushed to the hospital. 

Now let me tell you why my thinking is not my fault… it’s the doctors fault. They planted this thought into my brain when asking me screening questions about my medical history. “Have you ever done this… have you previously had that… are you allergic to any medication….?” Well, I am not allergic I tell them but now in my head there are fireworks going off. Who knows, I have not tried all the medication in the world yet so I am not sure if I truly am not allergic to any medication! Now I’m worried because I have had antibiotics before and been totally okay but now they make me second guess myself. It’s these types of what if questions that completely get my head twisted on itself and I no longer know what is going on. I am now scared and worried that this is starting to look like the end for me. They did this to me!!

So back to how I made it through yesterdays near death experience. I sat with it for a little bit but ultimately in these situations recently I have to be able to let it go to some degree. By doing that I judge it based on my personal core values in life. For me those core pillars are, friends, family, chasing my passions, and spending time with those who I love. These all kind of blend into each other but they are separate enough that I can look at each category as its own individual thing. Also that final part of spending time with those who I love works with both my family and friends but it also applies as a filler for other situations and people who might not fall into the other categories. I’ve realized that my grounding myself with these values I’m able to weigh my fear of dying and help bring myself back to being level headed. Also, luckily I have a wonderful girlfriend who gets to hear about my daily brushes with death and can help steer me in the direction of reality. 

This is one entry of many from me but I wanted to at least shed some light from the holy afterlife on my tough situation. I look forward to speaking to you again soon, readers. 

GKV